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Are you an unwitting predator?


How is this a warning sign? - Nobody likes being on the sticky end of a deal. It's natural to try and get out from under when you find yourself in that position. Men have always known that, and for some time, they've thought that women didn't mind being the underdogs, in fact that they liked it there. Well, the Women's Movement should have disabused us of all of that. Women don't like being stuck in the weaker position, being the prey to men's predatory behaviour. Any man who puts his woman in that position, has added another point to her "I've got to get out of this" scorecard. And when that hits 20, she's history, Mac.

What's the problem here? - We men have evolved to hunt, kill, and spread our seed every which way we can. We're designed to chase and kill for food everything that's edible, to chase and mate with every bedable female, to attack and drive off or overcome everything and anyone who threatens our nest, and when there are several males around we are programmed to fight our way up the ladder until we are the alpha, the "Leader Of The Pack".

In our modern world all those drives have to be brought under tight control - the survival rules have come almost a full 180 in not very many generations. We're still programmed for the old ways, but the old ways are all obsolete. Does that make us obsolete too? Maybe so. Single mothers can do very well these days. Our food is got in exchange for currency symbols which come in payment for the use of our time and skills (but for most of us, not our skill at killing). We pick up the phone and tap three numbers to get help rather than using our own two hands to kill whoever is the threat to our family, and we are expected to mate with only one woman, and at that, for our whole lives.

This is not natural behaviour for us men, in the sense that some of these rules are only a few centuries old, and none of them is likely to be much older than a few tens of thousands of years. This is only a few ticks in the clock that measures the whole span of humans' evolutionary history.

Our parents try to help us, by reshaping our responses as we mature, to help us fit into the new world, as their parents helped them. But many of us backslide. We steal, murder, join gangs, chase pussy, cheat on our wives, cuckold our friends, and embezzle from our employers - attacking from within the very groups who provide us with the means of survival. We dump our 'life' partners and switch to others, are cruel to our partners, even beating up those who provide us with the comfort elements of our survival. Only a minority of us seem able to control the pressures or temptations to backslide, to give what we might call our more primitive side, its head.

Even women are affected, to be sure. But they are weaker than us men, and are as a result, perhaps, more prudent at keeping their heads down. Enough of them murder their spouses, however, to show that they, too, can still tough it out when the need strikes them.

But they sure don't like being the helpless victims, though few of them show it so forcefully - thank goodness. If your wife feels that part of her role is to play victim to your predator, the table is beginning to tilt against you. If youwant to keep her, it's time to do something about it/

What to do about it? - If you want to maintain a loving home, with your current wife, and you sometimes get a bit primitive, there's only one word for you - Stop! Maintaining a loving home, in our modern world, with just one wife, till death you do part - that's the non-primitive way. To make it work you have to be a non-primitive man. Mixing cultures is notoriously hard to do successfully, and mixing primitive and non-primitive behaviour patterns is probably the same.

If you are prone to do your nut, yell, shout, break stuff, sleep around, give your wife a black eye, slap the kids around, or steal pencils from the office, you may have some predator characteristics or otherwise demonstrate a lack of fit with the modern world.

Stop doing those things. It's easy to say, but believe me, it's hard to do. But you have to. There is help available. With support and training you can replace aggression with assertiveness. What's the difference?

Assertiveness can be firm, but it's controlled. And it's controlled to a level short of screaming, threatening and physical force. It will use negotiation and compromise instead of menaces and blackmail. It will not frighten those who you are dealing with. Nobody will feel their safety is at risk. Your wife may still feel that you are a man of strength. but she will also come to feel you are a man with a strong, supportive character, and she will no longer feel that the strength is used against her.

Troubleshooting. - If the assertivess training approach doesn't do it for you (but we think that it will, if you are sincere in your wish to change) you can attend an Anger Management course, or even take up one-on-one therapy. But, as we must remind you from time to time, this is not a book about how to help family members who are genuinely disturbed and who may need professional help. It's about another matter entirely - it's about the various ways some men unwittingly create the conditions in their homes, that drive their wives away. And, of course, it's also about what those men can do to improve matters - so that their wives never have to reach the point where leaving their husbands starts to look like a good option.

Outcomes. - What will you notice when, for example, you attend assertiveness training? Well, you have better be prepared for some cynicism from your wife. You can't hide the fact that you are going. For if you do, she'll suspect you of sleeping around. Letting her see the program notes and your enrolment might be a good idea. Truth is best. Expect a barrage of "Oh, you'll never change" but don't be dismayed. Change you will. Every experience in our life changes us in some way, and well-planned assertiveness courses are designed to change you, big-time.

If your wife is genuine in her love for you, and in her fear of predatory behaviour, you will find her becoming more relaxed with you as your style of argument shifts from aggression to assertiveness. It's unlikely that you will stop arguing - you'll still have your cojones - but those you are debating with will gradually lose their fear that they'll come out of the debate with one or more limbs missing. Of course we're exaggerating, but hopefully you get the point.

Finally, your wife will become more comfortable with you, as you shift from anger and aggression to assertiveness and compromise.

There is one problem that you may face as you become assertive rather than agressive. That is if your wife has a psychological difficulty in which her adaptation depends on your aggressiveness. She may not be able to function so well in a relationship with someone who is not aggressive. The two of you may need professional help. Note that this is not a book about how to help family members who are genuinely disturbed and who may need professional help. It's about another matter entirely - it's about the various ways some men unwittingly create the conditions in their homes, that drive their wives away. And, of course, it's also about what those men can do to improve matters - so that their wives never have to reach the point where leaving their husbands starts to look like a good option.

Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins
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