Peter Collins publication - Helping someone listen to you.

Helping someone listen to you.

You've taught yourself to listen the "Right Way" (Active Listening). Now you'd like to be treated the same way, yourself.

Why does this matter? You know very well how frustrating it is when you may as well not have spoken, for all the notice that's taken of what you said. Or when you say one thing, and it's taken as another.

What do we mean? Like if you say "I'd like to go over and play chess with Charlie tonight" and you get told, "That's right - rush off. You can't stand me but you haven't got the courage to say so."

That's not what you said. It's not what you thought. It's so unfair. If you got angry, who could blame you?

What to do about it? Here's what not to do. Don't point to the chapter on Listening the Right Way. Don't ask them to read it. No - no - no! ("he thinks I don't know how to listen - what a put down"). There's a better way. A much better way. Much, much, slower, but also much more certain to get good acceptance.

Here it is:

Repeat what you said.

If you had got no reply, ask, "What do you think about that?" and be prepared to go back to the top.

When you have a reply - and if it's a problem for you, repeat both what you said and what she said, then ask if you got it right - (listening the right way). Be brief. Like this: "I want to play chess but you think I'm avoiding you, yeah?" What does she say? What can she say? "You got that right, Buster". There y'go - already she's listening. That's a start. If she carries on sounding off, help her by active listening, until she runs down. Then go to the next step. Did we mention that some of these things could take a while, initially? That's because so much has been left unsaid - till now, of course.

Agree with her focus, and ask for confirmation. You may want to think about that for a few moments until you get an "Aha!" inside your head. Like: "Aha! It's not about me playing chess - it's about whether I'm avoiding you or not, yes?" What can she say? You can bet your life she's hearing you now. She'll either agree, or change her tack and say that really it's about some other thing. People often don't know exactly why they do some things until it comes up in conversation, so don't be surprised if there's a whole change of direction. Just go back to the start and deal with that in exactly the same way.

Offer an "If Then Deal". (But never never never offer a promise as your half of the deal - see Promises promises) That's where if both parties can agree to each other's terms, then you've got a deal. As usual, ask for confirmation. Like this: "Okay, let's see if I've got this straight - if you didn't feel I was avoiding you, how would you feel then about me going out for some chess?" (See how you can ask for confirmation at the beginning instead of the end. It works just the same). Is she listening to you, Buster? Is she what! Loud and clear. You're on the same wavelength for the moment. Great! If she says "No" you just say "Okay, what have I missed?" and be ready to go back to the top again. Nobody said it's a one-shot solution.

Confirm the understanding. Ask something like, "Are you really comfortable with this - what problems might we have overlooked?" And be ready to negotiate some further changes if necessary. Make it easy to criticise your plan (you're more likely to get the truth that way) and less comfortable for her just to shrug as if "who cares, anyhow".

Reward the listening. It's going to cost you, but it'll be a small price to pay for achieving your aim of getting listened to. Look for a way to make it a reward for both of you. "Okay, either you or Charlie gets my company tonight, and you'd rather it was you, yeah?" - hey, that's a compliment to you - you're attractive and she wants to be with you. Most excellent! What's she going to say? If it's yes (she wants you for the evening) you then ask how she'd like to spend the evening (and if you're smart you'll then agree to it, even if it's cleaning out the basement). Or she might surprise you by saying: "Oh, what the hell, why don't you go and see Charlie?" (and if you're smart you'll then suggest she makes some plan for how she'd like to spend tomorrow evening with you). Notice, you haven't made promises - you're taking real action. That'll get you listened to, maybe not next time, but eventually.

Troubleshooting: as usual, the problems you have are most likely going to be in your own head. In the early stages you're going to be misheard or misinterpreted so often you won't believe it.

You'll want to say "you're not listening to me" with or without mounting impatience. If that's the case, it's merely that you haven't completed the process - it can take months for people to learn a new habit. Both for you and your wife. Sometimes years. How's your golf handicap? How long have you been playing? Aha? Sound familiar?

Be patient. Stay calm. All good things take time. Don't complain. Don't criticise. By all means say how you feel inside yourself, or what you want, but keep off things about her and off guessing about her wishes - why? Because you'd like it if she wanted to listen to you. And who is going to want to listen to a whole lot of bad stuff or wrong guesses about themselves?

What if she brings up a whole new issue? If you feel it's a good one to deal with now, repeat what you said, and what she said, and ask "is that right?" - find the focus, and focus on that - basically the same list of steps. But if you feel it's off the point, ask permission to postpone it, after you pay her the compliment of understanding it - like this: "you feel that - [whatever] - is that right?" and after you've got agreement, you go: "Yeah, I can see it's something you think we should discuss. How about we put that down to discuss after we've settled on this chess thing? Would you like to remind me, later?" - and get back onto the chess debate. Okay?

Sometimes you still think you're not being understood. It usually helps if you keep your turns short. Best is if you ask short questions. Look at the steps you've been taking. See how much you're asking questions rather than laying down the law?

Sometimes you'll think you're being given the run-around, with one thing after another being fired at you, and nothing you say seems to get you where you want to be. Try mentally shelving your short-term goal (really, Charlie will be there next week, but your marriage mightn't be!) then get out a pencil and paper and note each complaint for later attention.

You'll be asked what you're doing. Tell the truth: "You're raising heaps of concerns and problems and I really want to help get them all solved, that's why I'm jotting them down, so I won't forget them, and we can come back to them later, or some other time, if you still want to."

Be prepared for a small explosion the first time you do this, because if (and it just might not be so) but if you've been Joe in a game of "Let's keep Joe off-balance", the pencil and paper shows that you're not going to tolerate these unsolved complaints being left to fester any more. You want them fixed - and you'll do that with patience and gentleness. Making a list shows you are on to that game, and it's not going to work any more.

You're moving the two of you towards a more cooperative sort of marriage. If you wife has been playing some sort of power ploy, you're pulling the teeth of that dragon. See Truth Tests for why this matters, and how.

Outcomes: Once you have this running smoothly - and it could take many trials, many months, and huge patience - you'll feel the difference.

When you express yourself - whether a wish, preference, opinion or concern - you can be certain that after the end of the sequence above it will be truly understood. How can you be so sure? Because you've probed for understanding, had some debate, and maybe you even understand her concerns and have dealt with them in ways that are acceptable to her.

Or you'll still not agree with each other, but at least you'll have a better idea of what you do disagree about, and later on you might be able to decide how much it matters - whether it's something you have to part over or merely something which you two happily married can comfortably disagree on.