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Listening the "Right Way"


What on earth are we on about? How can there be a right and wrong way to listen?

Easy. Haven't you ever tried to tell somebody something and felt you were just banging your gums - it wasn't going to make a blind bit of difference? And you explained really clearly, too?

That's because whoever you were talking to wasn't listening the "right way"! (Sometimes called "Active Listening").

And you know what? We all get this wrong sometimes.

Step one - learn about this yourself. After you've got it working for you, you might be able to help others, too.

How is this a warning sign? - Well, if people feel they're not getting an important message across, they can get really discouraged. And being really discouraged is one of the things that can lead to a wife wanting to leave.

What's the problem here? - It's really simple - listen in the "right way" and people know they've got their message across, that you understand (even if you don't necessarily agree). And being seen as an understanding husband is going to be a plus for your marriage.

And not being one - that's a minus!

What to do about it? - Okay, let's learn to listen the "right way".

The key to this is ridiculously easy. Remember how, when you were 'courting' you listened attentively to everything your future wife said? Of course you did - you wanted to get to know all about her before you committed yourself. And she really liked the attention, yeah? And probably you asked her questions about herself and her interests, and her job, and ... and so on?

She would have liked that too? Yeah! Pleasant conversation with an interested friend is always nice.

So all you have to do is mentally return yourself to that time.

But you'll find it's not that easy, because this time round it's not the same friendly atmosphere between you as it was in the warm evenings in the cafe down at Fisherman's Wharf.

How can you deal with that? This'll take a little patience, but you can do it. Here's the drill:

  • Stop watching TV. Turn it off. How can you expect her to believe you're really listening if you have half (maybe more) of your attention on the game? Which is more important, today's score or the happiness of the rest of your life?
  • Turn and face your wife when she talks. Look her in the eye - you don't want to seem guilty do you? You know that's how we all think about people who look away when we talk to them. Plus, if you watch closely you can pick up hints from her face about how she's really feeling - that can save heaps of arguments later.
  • Make sure you get all the message she's giving you. Hear her out. She's less likely to get upset or repeat herself if she knows you're really listening (for once! she might think).
  • But she might be criticising you - how do you cope with that? Wait your turn. We promise you that if you do these things she won't be able to help herself. She will give you a turn. Humans are wired that way!
  • Remember, sit tight, listen carefully, try to get the main points (you'll need them later), look her in the eye, and nod to show she has 'permission' to keep going.
  • Wait till she stops.
  • Then pretend you are back in your courting days. Ask her a question that shows your understanding and interest. Pretend she's been sounding off about someone else and you're trying to understand - because you want to help her (and you do, don't you?). Like "So it really gets up your nose that your husband doesn't help around the house? That can't be very nice for you."
  • Remind yourself that this is about listening carefully. And showing that you are listening. It's not about solving any problem - that will keep for now.
  • Finally, ask if you've got it right, or if there's some change or extra that she wants to add or alter. Expect it to go round a few times, changing but by bit until maybe it's quite different than it started. Use all these steps each time round. Don't rise to any argument - you're just trying to listen the "right way". One thing at a time!
  • Troubleshooting. - The problems you have are most likely going to be with your own "comfort level" because what you're doing here is really going to turn on the "criticism tap". But it's like the dentist, get it over with and you'll be right for a while.

    You'll be tempted to interrupt and say things like:

  • "Oh, it wasn't like that at all." But if you don't hear her out, how can you know what she thinks is the most important issue? And when you know that, you'll be in a better position to deal with it.
  • "I couldn't help it - it wasn't my fault." But if you give her enough time to get all the details out, you might be surprised to hear her say, "... but I guess it wasn't your fault at that, because ..." - yeah, it does happen.
  • "You're always putting me down." That may be true, but this exercise is about listening carefully, and the better you do it, the less she'll have to criticise you about in future, and that means not interrupting (or she could get to play "you always interrupt me, I never get my say" - prevent that by being patient.)
  • At first you'll find it hard to do, and you might think you sound artificial. Stick with it. Practice makes perfect. You'll find your own ways of doing this, and it will become more natural and more successful the more times you do it. Use it for everything. Re-read the list of steps now and again - so you don't miss any - all of them are important.

    Your wife might think you're winding her up or setting her up for a fall. But only at first. Each time you do this without dumping on her at the end, you'll find she gets gentler and gentler with you once the arguments go out of your conversations with her - and that's in your control!

    Outcomes. - This is miracle country.

    Get this one right and it sets you up to deal with so many other things - that's why we keep mentioning it as part of fixing so many other problems.

    Don't be surprised one day, after some time when you have been listening carefully to her, if she says, "but here I am sounding off at you, and you haven't told me how you feel about it." That's your chance to help her listen the "Right Way" - that's the very next chapter. Read on ....

    Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins
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