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Strength versus Bluster


How is this a warning sign? - women admire strength, particularly emotional strength - self confidence; everyone does if it's genuine. It's not something you can fake. Not usually. Most people have an effective bullshit detector and if you try to fake strength it just gets read as bluster. It makes you look weaker, not stronger, and the woman who admires strength, and gives it plus points, well, for bluster she'll award minus points. You lose points for pretending.

What's the problem here? - The problem is that you have confused the image with the reality. You may, in fact, be physically strong, or intellectually strong, but if you lack the confidence to be your genuine self, it'll all get read as bluster. Why? Because if you lack emotional strength, the self confidence that comes from inside - it shows. It's not something that you can paint on the exterior, to hide the hollow you might have within.

You've heard about "the strong, silent type". Women might go for him initially, but eventually, when they want to have a conversation with their man, his silent charms won't be enough. Adult love is a combination of so many things, such as physical attraction, mutual interest and admiration, intellectual stimulation, feeling cared for and wanting to care for, sharing of ideas, a meeting of minds. But the "strong, silent" type is way more attractive than the opposite of "weak but noisy". Men who are reduced to blustering their way through their marriages, uncertain but trying to hide it, these are the men with this problem.

How can men tell if their wives view them this way? Listen to her, watch her eyes. Be alert for phrases like; "Oh, get real!" and "Oh, stop storming around and do something about it." Keep your eyes out for a look of disappointment on her face when she says something like "You're just full of talk, but you don't follow through."

What to do about it? - This one is obvious, isn't it? Unless the man makes some change, he's never going to alter his wife's view of him.

And that change would be? You might think "Be stronger, be more decisive, more positive." But that's the bluster side of things. There might be a better way.

Imagine this: the man and his wife have just collected their car from the auto shop and he's sure they've been gypped a few bucks. He says, "They're not going to get away with this. I'll fix them!" but continues to drive away. Never acts. Loses wife points for sure. But if he goes back to the shop, pounds on the desk and yells - to no effect - trying to impress a wife who already knows he's a blusterer, he's going to lose points this way, too.

What should he do? Ask yourself, what alternatives could the husband choose from that would be less unattractive? Try these: (a) He checks the invoice carefully, and is chagrined to find he'd made a mistake - and shares his amusement with his wife; (b) In checking the invoice he spots the mechanic's error, and if it's a large amount he goes back to the shop and quietly negotiates the proper refund, or if it's a small amount he might say to his wife, "It's only a couple of bucks, Dear, and they do good work - what say we let it go this time, but keep an eye on them next time?", or (c) he says "Honey this is aggravating, but it's only a small amount. What do you think we should do about it" and agrees a course of action with her, so they function as a partnership. None of these are weak, bluster solutions. They're the actions of someone with more inner strength. The strength to walk away from trivial slights. The strength to get the facts and patiently negotiate them. The strength to admit not always having the answer. The strength to ask for help. He doesn't show any need to try and prove himself the 'better man'.

Troubleshooting. - Men caught in this cycle can find it difficult working out what to do about it. On one hand, they know they must stop pretending a strength that they don't have, but on the other hand, they can't see how they can retain any respect from their wives if they let themselves be seen as even weaker still.

This seems to be an imponderable paradox. You want to be seen as strong, but to achieve this, you have to appear weaker. How can this be?

In part, the answer lies in understanding how women assess their men. Their view seems to be that really strong men, who are also wise, already know their capability, and to maximise the well-being of their families, they combine their strength with risk-reduction and negotiation skills to get the optimal outcome from any circumstance they face. Their strengths are kept in reserve, as a final back-up for emergencies when all else has failed. They prefer to use amiable negotiation to deal with problems. Their risk-reduction strategy is adopted because no matter how strong you are, any confrontation carries the risk of some injury, and it's essential to avoid that if you are going to stay in the game to care for your mate and offspring.

So, if men want their wives to see them as strong, rather than blusterers, they have to keep their strength in reserve, and use their wisdom to settle problems unless all else fails. Okay?

But they may find that the change is difficult to achieve. It needs a lot of hard work and practice to overcome the habits of a lifetime, especially in aspects of behaviour that are closely tied to self-image and pride. There are courses and techniques that can help with this, often related to assertiveness training, and these can assist in smoothing the way between what has been happening and how the 'new model' is to work.

Outcomes. - What changes would you experience if you had been a blusterer, and one day you decided to keep your strength in reserve, and use gentle negotiation to deal with problems instead?

Well for one thing, your blood pressure might benefit! And your wife would certainly be less stressed, too. She won't be able to avoid seeing the changed behaviour, but it will take many occurances before she realises that this is a permanent change, and not just a string of coincidences. She certainly will be pleased to see the changes as they happen, and one day she'll probably comment that she has noticed and likes the change.

Just a warning - it's okay to tell your wife, at the start, that you are proposing to try and change - and even to ask her for her help, your assertiveness trainer would be able to suggest ways in which she might usefully be able to assist.

However, it's not okay to boast to her about how well you are doing at making this change. Why? Because there is a danger that it will be seen as just one more bluster, and the new you doesn't do that any more!

Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins
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