Touching

How is this a warning sign? Did you reach across the table and hold hands, or touch fingers, with your favourite girl in the lead-up to your deciding to get married?

Do you now? As frequently as before? When did you last touch - gently, out of the blue, as a brief gesture of passing affection? Not sexually, not as a pass, just a light touch on the hand, or shoulder perhaps.

Affectionate touch is one of the things that goes, when marriage partners lose their pleasure in their mutual company. If it's gone from your marriage, that's a sign. Heed it.

What is the problem here? Touch is very powerful. If you used to do these things, and you don't now - what sort of message might that convey?

This is all about reverting to those habits you used to have, that you don't now, and that your wife might miss.

If you are dissillusioned about your marriage, whether you are the husband or the wife, are you likely to be more intimate - or less? And if you enjoyed the closeness you shared when you were getting married, how would 'now' seem to you, in contrast?

If you've stopped gentle touching, at odd moments when you're around each other, do you know why? Did you even realise you'd stopped - or at least reduced the frequency? Do you think about it at all? If you do think about it, do you miss it? Or do you fear making an attempt, in case you get rebuffed? "Oh, do stop pawing at me!"

Fear of rejection can be very powerful. Its cousin is fear of failure. The combination of the two can sometimes be almost paralysing. Who would want to try something which is likely to fail, and in failing to make things worse, and worse in a way that could lead to an unhappy marriage getting even worse.

What to do about it? This is a tricky one. Fortunately, you are a problem solver (most men are - that's how our race survived in more primitive times, and still today!)

The problem you have to solve has a number of bits.

Troubleshooting: Well, let's say you've worked on the problem of putting affectionate touch back into play. And your wife just tells you, in whatever words, to back off. Then what?

Then nothing. You haven't solved the problem yet, that's all. You're still not acceptable to her again. Maybe it's still too early. There's still tension or antagonism between you. At least you know where you stand. You're not yet her favourite way of spending time. It may take years for you, removing fear, page 106, and earning trust, page 112, before you are ready. It may take as long for you you to get back to where you were, as it took to get away from that great beginnning. Patience, patience!

What is coming between you? Have you covered all the options? Check what does your wife complain of , page 22, and be brutally honest with yourself. Maybe there's something else that has come up between you in addition to our suggested list. If so, write it down and work on it, too.