Uncooperation

How is this a warning sign? - Women are people too. Anyone would feel they are getting less than their due if they don't get cooperative support in their marriage, which is probably the world's most common cooperative or partnership. If your wife feels that way, or you think that she might, this is a sign of possible dissatisfaction, which, as we have already discussed, can lead to a breakup,

What's the problem here? - If you and your wife cooperate well in your mutual interests, that's good. But if you don't, the question is, why? Or more to the point, wy not? Before you try to fix a problem, you need to know where to put in the effort.

Generally, people are cooperative when they each see it to be in their interests to do so. There is a field of psychology that deals with this 'game theory'. The basic assumption is that cooperation is maintained when each participant feels they will benefit by more than the effort they have to put in.

If there isn't cooperation, one or both of you probably feels it's too much work or stress for far too little benefit.

What to do about it? - If it's you who doesn't feel cooperative, ask yourself what you need from your wife, that you're not getting.

If you feel cooperative, but your wife doesn't seem to want to be helpful, try and work out for yourself - that is, without cross-examining her - what your wife might need, that she's not aready getting,

Next step, work out what to do to provide one or other of you with the extra 'benefits'.

As ever, it's always easier to make a change if you don't have to negotiate the terms. That means it's easier to change what you're doing, than to persuade your wife to make such a change.

So if you are the one who is feeling uncooperative - but you're also the one who wants to preserve and improve the marriage - one benefit you might see in being cooperative could be in keeping things on an even keel while you work on any other problems your marriage might have. That at least would probably buy you more time.

If you are feeling cooperative, but your wife isn't, you may need to make some changes for her. Ask youself what form her lack of cooperation takes. If she's late getting ready to go out with you, is the time with you really pleasant for her? If not, what can you do about it? If you tell the children one thing, does she tell tham another or in some similar way negate or countermand your relationships with them? Perhaps she needs to show that she has some authority there. Is it possible that she feels you undercut her authority with them, or in other aspects of your life, and that this negation is a response? What could you do about that?

For all aspects of these problems, a good starting point is to revert to the behaviours you showed her before you got married, when you both were probably going out of your way to be helpful toward each other. Suggesting rather than ordering, offering to help rather than waiting until you were asked,

Troubleshooting. - Uncooperative behaviour is often a sign of wider communication problems, or a result of attempts to avoid appearing weak or vulnerable.

If one of you asks for help, and the other says "Yes, yes..." but then doesn't, that can be hard to deal with. Often, both members of a couple do the same thing, and it can lead to a round of resentful non-cooperation.

Such a couple has to find some way of breaking out of that cycle. Often, if one member can begin saying "Of course, Dear." and jumping to help immediately, or actively and genuinely doing whatever is needed, at the best time for doing so, it can be quite a surprise for the other. It will certainly be noticed, even if it isn't commented on.

The problem that may then arise is that it may take quite some time before the other is sufficiently moved to respond similarly. If you made the first move, you may become discouraged and stop making the effort.

I guess you have two choices: (a) take out the garbage immediately, with a smile, or (b) scowl, and stay in front of the TV until you get nagged and complained at a while, and then put the garbage out. You still have to put out the garbage (okay, maybe not, but we're making a point, here). But you could avoid the complaints and bad mood. So there's a small win to begin with.

There's a third option (c) take out the garbage without being asked - that's truly cooperative. You mightn't get thanked, but hey, would you rather put it out because you know it has to be done, or because you were asked? Which looks more like you are the one who makes the decisions, huh?

If, despite your efforts, your 'good' moves don't initially get returned in kind, you could feel resentment at the way you continue to be treated. That's to be expected, but at least you can also feel some satisfaction that one source of nagging has been closed off, and some pride that instead of escalating towards further conflict, you are at least now working towards restoring your former cooperative behaviour, and with luck, eventually, the viability of your marriage.

If either of you finds themselves unable to be cooperative at all, or eventually to respond positively to the other being cooperative, there may be other issues, such as suppressed anger, that may need professional counselling for their resolution.

Outcomes. - Being cooperative is both a short-term and long-term move, even if only one does so initially.

In the short term, doing this immediately removes one reason a wife might give for leaving, though it may take her some time to realise that this new pattern has entered her home. In addition, each cooperative activity that is re-introduced immediately removes the matching 'nagging conflict' from the relationship.

In the long term, all being well, you can expect some easing of tensions, because your wife's inevitable resentment caused by mutual non-cooperation will have fewer and fewer triggers as you become more cooperative again.

Your wife may take some time to show any change in her behaviour towards you, and may initially even be suspicious. If so, you may have to remind yourself of the plusses in order to avoid becoming resentful. If there is no apparent improvement after some weeks or months of one-sided cooperation, combined with the actions described in other relevant chapters, it's possible that there are other psychological issues for which professional counselling may be needed.