Home << >> Back

Unpunctuality


How is this a warning sign? - When a man is getting to know a woman, he's not too likely to be late for dates. Women don't much like being kept waiting. If they think they might be getting stood up, many would just take off - certainly the man stands less chance with her.

But after the marriage, it's not so easy for her to shrug, to decide he's not worth hanging around for, and to walk away. So when she's kept waiting, what can she do? She may feel cheated, no "truth in advertising" here, because if she thought about it at all, she would have thought she was getting a punctual husband, and it's turned out to be the opposite.

What's the problem here? - Well, what man wants to have his wife feeling that he's cheated her? What's that going to do to trust, and to love? Even if she doesn't feel cheated, what's it going to do to her mood to be left hanging around waiting when her man fails to show at some time and place that they had arranged? Is it going to make her more lovey-dovey, or less?

Do you want your woman to be in a good mood or a bad one when you meet her someplace? Like the good mood she used to have when you met her for a date?

What to do about it? - If this is one of your problems, ask yourself how you managed to be on time for dates before you got married. So why don't you now? Knowing the cause is the first step to fixing the problem.

You might think your life has become so much less organised since you got married - it does bring more responsibilities, after all. Maybe revisiting the way you used to organise things, previously, would help.

But if you manage to be on time for all your other appointments, doesn't it seem odd that you're only late for your wife? Perhaps you're not so concerned to be punctual for her, because, being married, she is bound to wait, in a way that nobody else will? But if this leads to her feeling less important to you than all your other appointments, she'll feel less loved, put into unpleasant situations that she can't easily escape from, and resentful. You could explain what held you up, but that will only work a couple of times, then she'll see it for an ongoing reduction in your love and respect for her, which is then the problem that you have to face.

The simplest solution is to revert to your old ways. Be as punctual for her now as you used to be when you were eager to be with her, and were more likely to be early than late. If you want her to be more loving to you when you meet - be early. Don't discuss it beforehand (so if you do have a puncture, she doesn't say to herself - "Promises, promises") - just do it. Surprise her.

Troubleshooting. - It takes time to get an old habit working again. So sometimes you still do keep her waiting. She says "Promises, promises". Okay, avoid this by not telling her you intend to revert this way. Then this problem can't arise. And keep on trying. If she loves to see you when you're not late, every time you're early will be one less aggravation for her to deal with, and the exceptions won't add broken promises to your handicap.

Or you are in a business where there are emergencies you can't avoid - you can be made late for any appointment, not just with your wife. What then? Several things: set up a Plan B with her so if you don't show by some agreed time, she takes some other action that's agreeable to her; or arrange to mobile phone or text her in time to divert to some other agreed activity if that's possible in your circumstances. Basically, if late is the name of your game, choose ways that she is happy with to build those contingencies into your life together.

Or you turn up, at or before the agreed time, and you'd love to see her face light up the way it used to. But it doesn't. You're disappointed. All that effort and no score. Why? That's easy. It took time for this to turn into a significant problem in her eyes, so it may take time for her to accept that there is change going on, at least the first time, or the first few times. If she has other things on her mind, or is feeling generally sour with you anyhow, she may feel less sour, not being kept waiting, and that's a step forward for you. Now perhaps you need to look at what other things might have put that sour puss on her, fix them too, and the happy greeting smile will reappear.

Outcomes. - As you get back into your habit of being on time or early for her, expect your wife gradually to be less sour with you, as she realises what is happening. She may even come to smile again. After a few times she may even say that Hey, it's great you're here already. That's a bonus. Don't expect it. You're doing this to reduce her bad moods with you, not to get praise. (Expecting praise is generally juvenile - unless it's done as described in "training method").

Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins
Home << >> Back