Peter Collins publication - What Do Husbands and Wives Complain Of?

What Do Husbands and Wives Complain Of?

Why do we want to know? - Simple, how can you fix a problem if you don't know what it is?

Yes, but why not focus on the positive?

Of course, men and women are different but many of the things your wife doesn't like, you wouldn't like either, if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine being smaller and weaker than a bad-tempered partner, for example, how would you tell your mate that you were feeling pissed-off? Maybe just keep quiet about it, huh?

"But," you might say, "when there's no threat, why not talk out your problems, find mutually acceptable solutions?" That's the ideal we hope you will get to, and soon. Till then, you might find this list helpful, because:

people don't always know what's troubling them,

things may be so tense they can't talk calmly about them,

you want to practice proactive change, page 20, (sensitive and aware), and

bringing problems up can trigger old arguments again.

So if you're unhappy in your marriage, and want to improve it, a safe first step, that can make you look good, is understanding for yourself what the friction points are.

How do we find out? - Well, short of asking, the easiest way we know is to start with a check-list, tick off the possibles, and add any others you can think of.

Here's our list. It applies to both sexes. In an unhappy marriage, both have concerns. We'd say - fix your wife's first. Why? Because if she's happier, life's got to be better for you, right?

A common complaint in many marriages is "You've changed since I married you". If that's true for you, if you changed some things about you back to what they were, would that solve some problems? They'll usually be easy ones to fix, because you know how to do them already. Learning new skills is usually slower.

Here's the list. Look at it from your wife's point of view, too. Take notes, or use the links. Any problems, please do contact us. We're here to help.

Fear: Women are generally smaller and weaker than men, so this is more usually a woman's problem. Things that create fear include bullying, page 74, shouting, threatening, page 75, assault or threats of assault, page 80, and any mistreatment of children, page 79. To fix any of these, read those sections, and revert to what you were - tough but oh so gentle, page 95, - and work at removing fear, page 102, and earning trust, page 105, again.

Disrespect: This isn't a 'bowing and scraping' thing, more a matter of common courtesy (maybe it's not so common any more!). Indicators of disrespect are unpunctuality, page 46, discouragement, page 36, inconsideration, page 39, humiliation (private and public), page 60, thoughtlessness, page 48 and neglect, page 45. Do You Forget Things She Needs? page 57. When she talks, are you Listening the "Right Way"? page 48.

Scorn: If that's what you get from her, check if you're 'guilty' of cowardice, page 86, juvenile behaviour, page 88, irresponsibility, page 91, substance abuse, page 93, withdrawal, page 92, pleading, page 68, excuses, page 69, blustering, page 70, or breaking promises, page 55. You have to get her respect, hard to earn, easy to destroy, page 62.

Living with a slob: If she says "Ugh" to your kisses, check your personal hygene, page 67. Do you add to her workload with laziness, page 87, or untidiness, page 89. She thinks you're a mind-reader and she shouldn't have to remind you. Take the hint!

Power plays: Are you an unwitting predator?, page 26? Kill love off fast with manipulation, page 45, arrogance, page 73, criticising, page 74, being 'always right', page 75, interrupting, page 83, intrusiveness, page 84, invasion of privacy, page 85, invasion of territory, page 86, or withdrawal, page 94. To keep your wife with you and truly happy you'll need to avoid all of these.

Monotony: Bored people rarely want to stay bored. Some just up and leave. But when you're fascinated with your lives and with each other, life can be grand. Monotony can be with lifestyle, hobbies or their lack, social isolation, sexual life or just the relationship itself. However, just working to overcome other problems in your marriage can itself relieve boredom, page 21.

Substance abuse, assault, unfaithfulness, criminal activities: These need professional intervention (counselling, police, victim support, refuges) and are beyond the scope of this book, though in these pages you may find some ways to somewhat reduce the impact of such problems. Using counselling, page 6, could be a start. Good counsellors will help you with introductions to the appropriate services.