What Women Don't Tell Men
Here's a list of facts that women don't tell men. They're not secrets, they just don't get discussed. Why? Beats us. Many are fictions, though. In good marriages they're not a problem. Are they, in yours?
Women aren't mind readers. Some think they are. They "just know" that their man doesn't really love them. "Well, if he loved me he'd do his share around the home." But couldn't he just be lazy - and still really love her? Mind-reading - huh!
Men aren't mind readers. Men know they're not. Women would love them to be. If they're not, it gets called "insensitive". Some women get into bad moods with "insensitive" men. Some men mistakenly put this down to "Time of the month". Big Mistake.
"Time of the month" is insulting. Why? It's true, isn't it? Well, yes, but only briefly, and only for some women. Mainly the bad mood is probably caused by a man not being a mind-reader. She thinks he is, that he "knows" he's being insulting, but she's not a mind-reader either, so doesn't realise he's just ignorant!
Working wives do all the housework. They don't tell the men that, because if he makes the bed twice a week and cooks dinner on Thursday, he'd argue to prove her wrong. But she'd be right. Typically she does over twice his housework hours, and in each hour she does more and does it better. List what she does, and times, and what you do, and times. Compare both of your duties and productivity. It's true.
She feels guilty for hating housework. How could she admit it? She mightn't even know. Women mostly hate some parts of housework. They'd like the men to do more. But they have this inbuilt sense of "duty" about their "role" - so they can't totally enjoy being freed of it. Don't get smug - men have confusions, too.
The Huge List of things she'd like. She won't tell you how long her list is. She may not even know. You'd deal with many of them if you knew (men aren't mind readers). She thinks you know already (she's not a mind reader either). Some are real simple - "If only" (now there's a favourite female dream) - "If only he'd take out the rubbish without me asking".
"If Only" is the name of the game. No woman will admit this, but if you did the "If Only" thing, another would pop up. "If Only" is just the latest top item on the Huge List. It's huge because women are generally dissatisfied - if that's how their mothers taught them.
"Without Me Asking" is impossible. Women 'really' know men aren't mind readers. They know that to get a major change in 'who does what', after years of ingrained habit, takes serious discussion and hard work and encouragement to establish new behaviour patterns. But they can wish, can't they?
"Tough Guys" are lovely. But if they tell a man that, he inflates like a blowfish and becomes impossible to deal with. They only like their men tough at certain times and in a very limit range of ways. Men have got to guess when and how "Tough Guy" is endearing and they lose a zillion brownie points every time they get it wrong, either being too tough or too wimpy.
"Tough Guys" are a Pain In the Bum (PIB). Women won't tell you that, because most men think they are tough guys, and if you insult a man often enough he'll probably run away. It's not true - most men will not leave, for they are the resilient ones - but the fiction is enough to keep the woman's anger internal where it can fester and build up a good head of steam ready for the next argument or walk out.
Men are more resilient than women. Women won't admit it. They maintain the fiction that they can cope with most everything (except men, note well), and that men collapse in a heap every time something goes wrong. Yeah? Who bursts into tears? Who can't cope and walks out (the women, 80% of the time) - so who is the resilient one?
Men are sensitive. Women know this, but they won't say so. They hide it. Sometimes to protect the fragile male ego. Sometimes so they can feel good about being bitchy. The truth is, both sexes are sensitive. None of us could survive in our complex society otherwise.
Men are insensitive. Men are actually the ones who created this myth by being strong and brave enough to kill mammoths and tigers. Not many of either around just now. And men really can tell whether things are running smoothly or if there is an undercurrent of unhappiness, even though they aren't mind readers. But they've got more sense than to poke at the wasp's nest they think is a woman's emotions.
There's more. Both men and women have huge areas of assumption about each other. They are based on how our society is - and was, and on how our parents seemed to run their lives, and that's based on their parents and so on back for generations, no doubt.
When things get tough we either feel "must do something" - and it could be the wrong thing, or that "whatever I do is going to be wrong, anyhow" and you do nothing and still things will get worse. Ignorance and hidden assumptions virtually force errors on you. Ugh!
What to do about it? Oh boy - that's what this book is about. Understand the unspoken assumptions and you're halfway there. You both started off thinking each other highly acceptable (at the very least!). But people change. Both of you. And you or she doubtless have secret thoughts about what you'd rather - "the way we were". People do have things that are hard to discuss.
If you want to make some changes, our list will give you some places to start. We'll challenge your assumptions and help you if you want to change. If you and your wife can get into step with each other again, that will be great for you both. If not, at least you will understand why it's not going to work. So you won't be so shocked, confused and unhappy. And that will be based on facts, not hidden assumptions and "mind-reading".
Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins