Workaholic

"You aren't really. Your job isn't all that interesting. But you need the money."

Sound familiar?

What's the problem here? You and your wife have different attitudes, and there's friction between the two of you over this.

Why? Some men - you among them - might say that if she wants the money she has to pay the price - and the price is the time you have to spend at your desk, or on the job, or whatever it is that she's not happy with.

It might be that you're out in the workshop most evenings, getting the machinery ready for your staff to use the next day, or in your study doing a client's accounts to catch up on the end-of-tax-year, or down at the office writing a report, or out of town for a week or so directing a big project.

There are two possibilities (three, actually - but you wouldn't want the third): either

What to do about it? If your marriage is such a negative that you keep away from your wife, or much prefer climbing your work ladder to her company, then you shouldn't be too surprised if one day you find your wife has packed and moved out. Don't say you haven't been warned.

But if you want to change matters and have a better marriage, look at the rest of this book for things you can fix, so maybe home will become a place you enjoy coming back to, and spending more time with a happy wife.

But - we hear you say - what if I have to do the hours to provide the things she keeps demanding? Oh boy - seems like a tough one, doesn't it. And if she's being dissatisfied all the time, you'd almost prefer being out of the house - who wouldn't?

You have two main things to work on here:

Troubleshooting: getting agreement on how much time you should spend on work, on how little you should spend being supportive and helpful and affectionate round the home, and how much the extra money is needed - this is a communication matter. There's no right answer, it's different for every couple, and it changes with your family circumstances as the children grow up, as your wife gets a job, as the result of sickness or transfer.

You are going to need all your skill at helping someone listen to you, page 54, and at listening the right way, page 50, so you really get the message of what your wife sees as most important, and can let her know what you think you actually can (or can't) manage to achieve.

Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations - a woman might think her husband can bring home twice the money without working twice as long. Fine for some, but if it's not possible, you have to convey how frustrated you feel, being unable to work that miracle. You have to ask her how she'd feel in your shoes. You have to explain that you don't know any other way, and ask for her help at finding some solution to the impasse. And just to make it harder - you have to do it without losing your cool, or shouting, threatening, slamming doors or anything like that. Even if she gets angry. Just calmly come back to the stumbling block time and time again, maybe in a number of shorter sessions over a period of weeks.

Yes, it is a huge effort - but set it against a lifetime of happiness. Or think about this - in the event of a divorce, maybe half of it will be hers. She sort of owns half your hours, in that sense. Maybe that gives her some sort of logic for deciding with you how you should focus those hours now?

Despite the stress this problem can put you under, you have to demonstrate how you enjoy being with her. How can you do that, when she's got you in this vice? Maybe 'enjoy' is the wrong word. But so is 'avoid'. A good start is being constructive. Revert to the helpful guy you were when you were courting. Check that you haven't drifted into bad habits like uncooperation, page 42, unpunctuality, page 48, untidiness, page 91, or withdrawal, page 94, to name a few.

Remember, too, what women don't tell men, page 10, because, for instance, taking out the garbage without being asked might have a much better impact than a dozen long-stemmed roses and a bottle of best champagne. This is a woman we're talking about here - go figure!